i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
