just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
