why didn't you poke me back
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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