ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
