then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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