I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
