Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
