i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
