like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
