i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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