I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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