dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
