My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
