if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
