i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
