god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
