either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
