miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
