dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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