u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
