I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
her vagine was all disorganized.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
