My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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