nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
