The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
