Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I will pee on everything he values.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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