I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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