There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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