I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
