oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
