It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
