yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
