I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
