My underwear smells like fireworks.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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