I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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