So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
