im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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