Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
