The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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