i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
