Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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