you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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