Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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