my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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