i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
