Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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