Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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