Yo dont text me then not text me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
