I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
