you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
