This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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