Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
