i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
