Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
