Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Randomize
