do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
