that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
