The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
