here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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