Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dicks are not precious.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize