I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
