Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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